Phasebook?

For the past few years, I have been what some might call an active Facebook user. Facebook, however, is not quite as simple as it may seem. It's a way of life. In fact, it's an all-consuming social networking tool that ensures that you are not able to pay attention to truly important areas of your life such as family, friends, work, and finances. Who needs those anyway? Am I right? Am I right?

Like most longtime users, I have been through most of the typical Facebook phases. Hmmm...actually, I wonder if they really are typical? Well, anyway, just in case it is, let this not only be a recollection of my past couple of years, but let it serve as a warning to the younger generation. Beware, this could happen to you, too! Here is the whirlwind that I went through.

Facebook User Phases:

Initial Curiosity Phase: What is this new "social networking" site that's all the rage ? Is it safe to use? What does it even do? Eh, whatever. I'll give it a try…but I'm not going to care about it too much. I'm not really "into" social networking. I actually think it's a bit stupid.

Apprehensive Setup Phase: Hmm..what photo should I post for my profile pic? Oh wait...maybe it's not cool to even post a profile pic at all. Maybe I should just keep myself mysterious? Eh, what the hell. You only live once. So, do I use a picture that I took with my webcam or would that make me look creepy? If I fill out all of my info and interests will I come across as a loser because I'm spending too much time on this? Is it even safe to add my contact info? Will I be murdered for doing this? Do I even want to be doing this at all? I want my old life back!

Extreme Fascination Phase: Hot damn..this is AMAZING! I can't believe my camp friends are all on this! It's been like 25 years! Whoa, my ex-girlfriend gained a ton of weight! Ha! I can't believe I am in communication with my Kindergarten friends. I've only dreamed of this! It's like all the past has become the present! I can resume friendship with everyone who ever meant anything to me! I can send messages, write on walls, post photos, and even take quizzes! Best. Site. Ever!

Daily Status Update and Commenting Phase: Good morning everyone, here's my witty status update. I wonder if everyone knew they were song lyrics. Aren't I funny? This is awesome. What if I just put a period after "is". How awesome would that be?! I got 11 comments today...just on one status update! Best. Day. Ever! I can be in a constant conversation with everyone I know. I don't even need to speak to anyone anymore! Wait…is that good? Oh cool, I can even update my status using my Blackberry! 24/7, Baby!

Massive Photo Upload Phase: We just came back from our summer vacation. Now, do I post all 63 pics or just a few select ones? Hmm..ok, all 63. Hey, why isn't anyone commenting on them? Maybe I didn't do it right. Did they not see them? Ugh..I bet they don't like them! Damn, I should not have worn that dorky Hawaiian shirt. I look ridiculous. Why would I post that? Can I take these down??? Someone please help me take these down!!

Realization-of-Excess Phase: Uh...ummm...ok. How did I get 500 friends? Do I even know 500 people? Do 500 people really even know me? Did I really need to tell Hank the mailman that I use Facebook? I couldn't not accept his friend request! He might do something bad to my mail!Oh man, I just spent the past 3 hours looking at pictures from someone's wedding who I don't even know. Why am I such a stalker? Why has my productivity gone down at work so much?

Ease-off Phase: OK, this is out of control. I need to get my life in order. My family needs me. I need to keep my job. Breathe. Only 1 status update per day....2 at most! Breathe.

Return-to-Normalcy Phase: OK, phew. See, I don't even update my status every day....and I'm still alive! Wonder what my friends are up to though.

Hmmm..now, what's this "Twitter" thing that everyone's talking about these days?