Mitch Was A Hed of The Rest

Every now and then, when I'm on my way to work and listening to my iPod in "shuffle" mode, Mitch Hedberg, one of my all-time favorite comedians, comes on. My commute is instantly improved. My fellow commuters most certainly wonder why I suddenly look so happy. Unfortunately, Mitch died way too soon....back in 2005. However, he will always continue to make me laugh.

Below, I've listed 20 of my favorite Mitch jokes. Also, below that, watch a hilarious Mitch performance from when he was on Letterman.

1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
2. Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping him move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
3. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
4. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
5. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
6. I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it...so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
7. I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.
8. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
9. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
10. A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
11. I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
12. If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt?
13. I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
14. I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
15. I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then, the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
16. I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
17. I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
18. I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
19. If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, 'cause you'll get a fake cavity.
20. Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamous?