Oh Gahd!

Here's a question. Why does Gadhafi get to spell his name so many different ways?? It's so unfair.  What, does he have multiple personalities or something? And c'mon, you have to admit that it's strange that anyone would easily recognize his name not only as Gadhafi, but also as Qaddafi, Ghadafi, Khadafi, and various other letter combinations.

You'd think that if 'ol Moammar was in need of a nickname, he'd go for something a little catchier. Maybe something that's not pronounced exactly like his existing name. I guess living in a place like Libya can limit your creative juices, huh?  Maybe he'd do better with a nickname like Smack Daddy?  How about Dick Tater?! Perhaps a play on his name, such as Daffy?  Too cutesy maybe, but still catchier than the alternate spelling idea.

I'm certainly willing to give him the benefit of the doubt in this situation, even though he's a homicidal maniac and all.  Perhaps being a violent dictator for 40 years can feel redundant after a while. Maybe it drives you to reinvent yourself...in any way you can. Like Madonna does. Maybe he's like "Yesterday, I was Ghadafi!  However, today, you will call me Qaddafi!  And please remember that the Q is pronounced like a K. If you call me QU-adafi, I will behead you!" (Please imagine this being said forcefully..with a Libyan dictator accent.)  Anyway, luck is certainly on his side given the fact that there are so many letters and combinations of letters that essentially are pronounced identically. What a lucky son-of-a-bitch!

Each time you read about him in the paper, it's like reading about someone brand new.  Yet I stand by the fact that it's a bit unfair.  Do you know how often I've wanted to vary the spelling of my last name? When I sign a credit card receipt, do you know how hard it is to not sign it Jon Phischman?  When I print my name on the doctor's waiting list, can you imagine the restraint it takes to not write my name down as Jhon Fishhmann?  C'mon, just once! How about a little reinvention for yours truly?

Don't worry, I'm a reasonable guy and I will,  after all is said and done, let it go.  However, I thought someone needed to draw attention to it.  The public simply doesn't seem to flinch when Qaddafi is spelled in a new way when reading a newspaper or magazine. It's strangely accepted by..well, everyone! And I honestly doubt they even notice.  Anyway, I just think that I deserve the same flexibility. That's all.

Sincerely,
Jahn

Urine or You're Out!

Random Thought/Question

Why do urinals usually exist in sets of 3? Does the middle one ever even get used? 

At most companies where I’ve worked, these are usually the scenarios that occur:

• If they’re all empty, you’ll either choose the left urinal or the right urinal.
• If the left one or right one is occupied, you’ll choose the left one or right one that’s NOT occupied.
• If BOTH the left one AND right one are occupied, you’ll use the toilet instead.
• If ONLY the middle one is occupied, then the occupant is an ASSHOLE.

My proposal? Eliminate the middle one. Just a left and right urinal with a space in between!

You know how much porcelain could be preserved??!!  Uh...a lot, probably.  There IS a porcelain shortage, right?  OK, maybe not, but still!!  We could save a lot of those urinal cakes, too!

All-Swimupclusiveness = Happiness

Just yesterday, I returned from a fantastic vacation at a resort in the Dominican Republic. Spectacular beach, crystal clear ocean, fantastic pools of all shapes and sizes, and constant sunshine....what more could I ask for. Ironically though, the best part about this vacation was the fact that it was at an all-inclusive resort. I'm not sure how many of you have experienced a vacation at an all-inclusive resort...but you should know, it's nothing short of heaven right here on Earth.

I typically use vacations as a time to re-assess my life...pinpointing areas that I'd like to change...and also just simply thinking about what makes me happy. Well, I've decided that what makes me happy is....all-inclusiveness!  I mean, sure these vacations still cost money. After all, nothing's free in this world. But, the mere fact that I was able to lock up my wallet in my hotel room's safe for the week, yet still have unlimited food and drinks...I could barely comprehend it. I couldn't put it into words the joy that I felt. A stress-free week without worrying about money...ahhhh.

It led me to wonder...how could I bring this feeling of pure satisfaction back to my everyday life? Well..hmmm..I guess I probably can't. Just imagine it though...what if we just paid a lump sum of money every year and were always able to go into any restaurant we chose...whenever we wanted...and ate and drank to our hearts' content? Not very realistic, I guess, but quite appealing.  I guess I just like the feeling of something being included. Makes me feel nice inside.

So, I began thinking about yet another facet of my vacation that made me happy....the swim-up bar! This too just might be difficult to take home with me. It does beg the question, however, why is it that things are more fun when you swim up to them? Laugh if you must. If you don't believe me, then try this...walk into a bar and order a drink. Now, go to that same bar, but instead of walking in, swim up to it and order your drink. Which was more fun? See what I mean?  Perhaps we could instate that pleasure-inducing mode of transportation somewhere in society. Swim-up banks maybe? Swim-up supermarkets? Maybe going to the dentist would be a more palatable experience if you could just swim up to the dentist chair.

These may be dreams for now, but at least I now know that I will ensure that my next vacation destination will be an all-inclusive, swim-up bar-inhabited resort. As for you...well you can read my all-inclusive blog. You navigate to the blog and can read all of these posts...free-of-charge! Now, I just need to figure out how I can get you to swim up to it.

My Jeanius Tendencies

It's true that "jeans" may not be the most common topic for a blog post.  However,  I have, what some people might consider, an unreasonable attachment to my jeans.  It's not that I'm obsessed with them or anything. That would be weird.  I'm just a bit particular about them. Oh...and then there's the fact that they're the only form of pants that I will ever wear on my legs in the non-summer months.

Sure, if you go looking through my closet, you may come across a few pairs of corduroys and maybe a couple pairs of khakis. However, these don't ever go into rotation unless it's absolutely necessary. And believe me, there'd better be a good reason for me to be wearing something other than my beloved jeans.

Of my varied selection of jeans, only a lucky few end up making it into my weekly rotation.  And actually, from the moment of purchase, I'm probably aware of which ones I will and won't wear, but I'll never admit it at the time.  I'll  always buy some dark ones and a couple not-so-dark ones ...just so there's a bit of jean variety.  I even have one pair with a button-fly, which I regret ever having purchased.  In fact, I think it was an accidental purchase. I didn't realize they were button-fly when I bought them. Think about it...when you undo your fly,  it's for one of three reasons...  1) you're about to go to the bathroom  2) you're about to have sex, or 3) you're about to go to sleep.  Most, if not all of  these are relatively time-sensitive and somewhat urgent activities.  Button-flies only serve to make the process of removing your jeans take longer than it needs to.  They're never as easy as the simple-to-maneuver mechanics of our familiar friend, the zipper.   

So, anyway,  I become attached to a select few pairs of jeans..maybe three of them.  I'll wear these jeans day after day after day. When all three of these pairs of jeans are dirty, I will exclaim, "I have nothing to wear!"…even though my closet is stocked with additional pairs of jeans and the aforementioned corduroys and khakis.  I don't like to leave the house not feeling comfortable.  Apparently, leg coverings dictate my level of comfort. Weird? Definitely.  The problem is...I keep on wearing and washing these jeans that little-by-little, the legs seem to get incrementally shorter...to the point where, when I sit down, my socks are fully exposed.  That's most certainly a jean faux pas.  Perhaps if I keep washing them, they will turn into jean shorts. That way, I can wear jeans in the hot summer months as well.  Smart, huh?

Fortunately, I work at a company where people are allowed to wear jeans. In fact, every company I've ever worked for was jeans-friendly.  I'm actually not even sure if my co-workers would recognize me in pants. Well, I'm sure they would recognize me, but they may not recognize my legs.  "Nice to see you, Jon...but who are they?" (as they point to my legs)  They might worry about me if I was crazy enough to change it up like that. 

I don't like to worry people.  To be safe, I'll stick with my jeans.

Dear Joe...

Hopefully, many of you have the good fortune of living near a Trader Joe's supermarket.  After years of shopping at the mainstream supermarkets, Trader Joe's has made my Sunday food shopping quite a bit more enjoyable. Its unique twists and takes on snacks and desserts...its delicious, easy-to-prepare lunches and dinners...and its reasonable prices are just a few of the appealing factors of this chain. To show my gratitude, I have listed 10 reasons why I love you, Trader Joe!

1. Your individual bags of "handfuls" of almonds: You make me know when I've had enough almonds, Joe. Nobody's ever done that for me before.
2. Your lack of hydrogenated oils: Stop and Shop, A&P, Shop Rite…you name it. They try to load me up with trans fats and clog my arteries. They don't care about me the way that you do, Joe.
3. Your infinite variety of combination juices: Apple Grape, Black Raspberry, Blueberry Pomegranate, Strawberry Kiwi…the list goes on. It's like an interracial, interfaith marriage of delectable fruits. Your acceptance and willingness to blend fruits from different backgrounds is pure and beautiful.
4. Your frozen vegetarian pizza: You make it easy to have a quick, easily-prepared dinner. Sure there's cheese on it, but those delicious veggies sprinkled on top makes me feel like I'm being just a little bit healthier…and you understand how important that is, Joe.
5. Your never-ending selection of "healthy" chips: You realize that a "popped" chip is healthier than a "fried" chip. Who else even thought of that? You realize that sweet potato chips are a welcome alternative to regular potato chips. Damn, you're intuitive!
6. Your nitrate/nitrite-free hot dogs and whole wheat buns: Sure it's not the same greasy dog that you'd be eating while watching the Yankees, but there are other occasions to eat hot dogs, too....and you might not always want to pollute your body with these toxic preservatives. Who knows this? That's right...you do, Joe.
7. Your unbeatable selection of cookies: Dunkers, Way-more Chocolate Chip cookies, Joe-Joes, etc. C'mon…the way you thought of taking America's favorite cookie,the Oreo...removing the hydrogenated oils, and calling it by your name…twice? Pure genius.  I don't see any "Pathmark Pathmark" cookies anywhere!  Just good 'ol "Joe-Joes"! Brilliant.
8. Your toilet paper, paper towels, detergents, soaps, and shampoos: Products that are environmental, non-toxic, and don't have any Disney/Hannah Montana branding. Need I say more, Joe?
9. The fact that you unload the items from my cart and bag them for me: I think you're more than aware that nobody else does this for me.  Could you be any more selfless, Joe?
   
10. Your daily samples: You not only allow me to purchase your amazing products to feed myself at home, but while I'm shopping, you make sure I'm fed.  That's truly the way to my heart.  Apparently, you're the only one who knows this, Joe.

The list could go on and on. Thanks for everything, Joe. See you on Sunday.

Deal or No Deal?

Why can't anyone buy a car these days without it being so darn complicated? C'mon…you tell me how much it is, I pay you, and you give me the car.  It should be that simple, right?  Not quite.

My current lease just ended and I, luckily, somehow lived to tell about my car shopping ordeal.  It's an experience that can hurt your brain, your wallet, and your self-esteem.

Every time a car commercial came on…and every time I saw an ad in the paper….it gave me hope...but not for long!!  $199/month?? That's an extremely reasonable price! Could it be real??  Well, no.  Only if you put $3,999 down and $1900 at inception!?  Disheartening, I tell you.  Whatever..I'll just go to the dealership. It'll be easier. Ha.

1. Me: Yes, can you please tell me how much a monthly payment is for a 36 month lease on a Toyota Highlander?
2. Salesman: Well, how much do you want it to be?
3. Me: Uhh..(can I really say ANY number??? Should I say "nothing"? Should I say "$20/month"?)  Umm..uh..$350/month??
4. Salesman: Let me go talk to my manager.
(repeat #3-4 many, many times)

What's the deal with the "manager" guy? Does he even exist? And why can't he come talk to me himself? Does he have to keep himself mysterious? Is he like Jacob from "Lost"?  Every time I negotiated, the salesman had to go back to talk to him. Make yourself known, Mr. Manager!!  

Each time he went back there, he kept me waiting for at least 10 minutes. Frustrating…frustrating..and even more frustrating.  How do I know that the salesman isn't just hanging out in the back smoking a cigarette?  I think it's a tactic so that you'll end up saying "Ugh, I've been here for hours already. I've invested this much time...I might as well take the car!"  And after being there for a few hours, I did take it!  Mostly because I really liked the car, but partly because I didn't think I could go through the same process at another dealership.

At least it's something that I need to do only every three years.  Can you imagine if every purchase was like this?  What if I asked for a Mocha Frapuccino at Starbucks and they said "How much do you want to pay for it?"  Or what if they said you can have it for $1.95, but you have to put $2.49 down and pay 51 cents at inception."?  Thankfully, this madness doesn't happen with most of our daily purchases.

Luckily, I did end up with a car in the end. No idea if I paid a fair price. I don't think I'll ever know....but "the manager" will always know.

The Time That is Mine

I have a love/hate relationship with my morning commute.  There's definitely a bit of hate because it means that I'm up early in the morning and am on my way to a possibly stressful day at the office.  However, my morning commute is my only time where I can sit in one place and just think.  That's where the love comes in.  I can reminisce about the past, get lost in the present or look forward to the future.  I can write blog posts. I can write songs in my head.  Hell, I can just stare blankly out the window and NOT think at all!   That's the beauty of the morning commute.  It's my time.  Hmm..I like the sound of that..."myyyy" time.

Here are some tidbits that actually have run through my twisted brain during this glorious time:

• Why am I feeling an uncontrollable urge to keep checking my Blackberry every 2 min?  It's only 8:30am!  How many emails could I possibly get at this time anyway?  I swear, I think my fingers just know to check my email without me even being aware.  I wonder if my fingers are communicating with their other "finger" friends through email.  'Cause they're certainly checking it on a much more frequent basis than my brain can keep up with.  Look at those fingers right now...they're just typing away. About what?  To whom?  I'm really not quite sure, but I do know that those little guys are workin' real hard.
  

• Why can one person get a ticket driving in his or her car for not wearing a seat belt, but 50 people on a bus are not required to wear one at all?  In fact, I don't see any seat belts around here at all.  Even stranger than that, it's not against the law to stand up while on the bus either.
  

• Hmm...when the Lincoln Tunnel was built, there must've been one hell of a sale on yellow tile! Some tile store owner out there was like, "Jackpot! Best. Customer. Ever."  He's probably retired on an exotic island somewhere now.
  

• Why does that guy behind me think he needs to SCREAM into his cell phone for the other person to hear him.  "SCRAMBLED, MOM!  I said I had SCRAMBLED EGGS FOR BREAKFAST!!"  I can't think of a time when it would be necessary to scream about eggs...ever.  Well, perhaps if it was something more like:  "WATCH OUT! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE ATTACKED BY A GIANT EGG!!"

• Why does that guy look SO happy to be getting on this bus?  Why does he have to make us grumpy morning people, who are dreading the work day, look so negative?!  How could anyone board a bus with a smile that big?  It just seems wrong. In order for us to feel like we're all in this together, we need to be quiet and unfriendly.  It's in the rule booklet.  Read it.

• Does the girl across from me think I'm crazy because I'm playing air drums with my iPod as one of my drum sticks?  It's quite a shame that she can't hear the music and is therefore unable to recognize and applaud my superb rhythmic skills.  To her, I probably look like I'm having some sort of seizure.  But to me, it just feels so right. 

•  Stepping off the bus now.  "Myyyy" time is officially over.

Hey, there's always the evening commute!  Always something to look forward to.

A Cheap Shot It's Not

Here's a question… Why does every electronic item that I buy become outdated what seems like moments after I make the purchase? Digital cameras, for example. Why do these digital camera models have to be released literally by the megapixel? We consumers have to keep shelling out more cash if we want the latest and greatest.

My first digital camera purchase was quite a few years ago. At the time, I thought it was the coolest thing ever and….it was only 1.3 megapixels! I even thought the picture quality was fantastic. But c'mon, are you going to tell me that when Canon released this camera, they were oblivious to the fact that they had the ability to make one with a higher number of megapixels?

Are we supposed to believe that one day after they released this 1.3 megapixel version, it just occurred to them that they could go a tiny, tiny bit higher? "Hey Bob, umm..you know how we just released that 1.3 megapixel camera? Well, I was thinking, uhh..I might be able to figure out how to make one with 2.0 megapixels. Just a thought." And perhaps each year it occurred to them that they could do just a little bit better? Unlikely, I guess.

Maybe the entire electronics industry is comprised of a bunch of slackers that are major underachievers. "Hmmm..Guys, I'm a little hungover today,. I know we're supposed to manufacture that 12 megapixel camera today and all…but, I'm totally beat. Let's just do one with 3 megapixels, ship 'em out, and we'll call it a day. We'll pick it up again tomorrow." Possible scenario? Maybe. Eh, probably not. Ugh, I just did some internet surfing for digital cameras and they're selling 12 megapixel cameras that are cheaper than my 1.3!

Sigh.

Image supplied by freefoto.com 

Sunday Night-ification

Sunday nights, for most people, are typically a drag because they signify one thing…the return to work the next morning! There is one glimmer of hope that actually can change that perception, however…and that's a good TV show! Back in the day, HBO's Sunday night lineup of "The Sopranos" followed by "Six Feet Under" made me actually long for Sunday nights! (well, almost.)

Unfortunately, ever since the finales of those top-notch dramas, Sunday night quality took a major downturn for me. I found myself resorting to other activities like...aimlessly surfing the internet, watching random home improvement shows that made me stress about repairs in my house, and occasionally...dare I say it...reading a book!

Sure there are some network shows that can occasionally seem entertaining at times such as "Desperate Housewives" and "Brothers and Sisters". However, no matter how involved you get in the show, the commercials always give you that chance to think about your life again...which is exactly what you are trying to avoid. There is something about these premium subscription channels' no-commercial shows. They have the ability to fully draw you in and to free your mind from pre-work jitters (a major added bonus). These shows are a league above network TV shows, quality-wise.

Last year, a friend had suggested that I check out "Californication". My wife and I spent this past summer catching up on the first 2 seasons on DVD so we'd be ready for Season 3, which premiered a few weeks ago. Voila...Sunday night once again has meaning! David Duchovny's portrayal of sex-obsessed writer, Hank Moody, is fantastic. His character is raunchy, sometimes annoying, yet brilliant and funny. And occasionally, there will even be evidence that he actually has a sensitive side. He displays this mostly hidden side when he's with his daughter, Becca…another captivating character, played quirkily and masterfully by Madeleine Martin. However dysfunctional this father-daughter relationship is, it's filled with love and gives the show the heart that it needs. It sure isn't a kid-friendly show though. Crude language, nudity, and sex scenes are aplenty!

This season is proving to be as great as the last two... and it's filled with guest actors including Kathleen Turner and Rick Springfield.

Perfectly cast, intelligently written, and quite hilarious, "Californication" has again made me look forward to my Sunday nights! Phew!